Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
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Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer