Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
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It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
How to make infinite energy.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
The first matador
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.