Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
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If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
how long have you had this for?
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.