Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
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you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business