Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
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My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress