shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
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Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.