shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
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[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?