Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
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*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Raisins are grape jerky.