Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
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Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
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If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
😬
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My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Follow me for more fitness tips.
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ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
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Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*