Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
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Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I need to get some bricks…
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”