Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
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[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.