Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
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If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Always a metermaid never a meter
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Oh boy, $150,000!
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
in 3 months
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what