Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered

My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.

NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats

watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit

Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.

Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

ME: these fireworks are so quiet

WIFE: those are palm trees