shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
You Might Also Like
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being