shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
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let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Milk Cube
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.