shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
You Might Also Like
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
oh you like nyc? name every rat
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
This kid is going places
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)