Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
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Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
them: are you talking to anyone?
me: yes, myself. i think we’re really hitting it off
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”