Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
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husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?