Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
You Might Also Like
Stop sending me this shit.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Seas the day!!!!
