Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
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SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Somedays I just love AI so much
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him