Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
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I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
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