Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt

Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things

Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.

[playing D&D&D]

Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape

High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.

They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

see you in hell you stupid fruit

My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.

GRAVES.

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.

*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound