Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

The glory of fall.

You know what comes after “leg day”?

Can’t walk up or down stairs day

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.

People: Let us know if you need help!

Me: Okay I need help

People:

Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”

3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”

Me: “Did you throw the ball?”

3: “No, my bat did.”

The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane