Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
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If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich