Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.

Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.

[party]

GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!

ME: Yahtzee!

GUY: That’s not a drinking game.

ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?

[everyone looks at each other]

ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.

None of them got out for a bathroom break.

Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters

*reads list of assassin targets*

“Eggs, milk…what the-”

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?

Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.

Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.

4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

General: We need aerial support now!

Captain: *confused* I’m glad she had a happy ending, she deserved more than the ocean could give her sir!

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong