Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
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A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
“Great, now I have to pee.”
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We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t