Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
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me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!