shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
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Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
*frowns in Scottish*
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Whoa 😂
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I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.