shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
You Might Also Like
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Risking my life for fun.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
[dinner party]
GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.
ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?
[everyone slowly turns their head]
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.