shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
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After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all