shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
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Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.