Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

9: Can I rent an otter?

Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.

*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please

“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.

You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.

Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.

i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A

BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?

BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?