Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
You Might Also Like
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.