Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

2: Mommy!!

Me: Yes?

2: NOOOOOOOOO!

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.

Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.

When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure

Bilbo: no

Gandalf: can i come in for tea

Bilbo: also no

Gandalf: dinner with my friends?

Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me

Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

Police: Pull over and stop!

Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?

Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!

Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.

[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.

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[showing new guy around office]

Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.

New guy: He said the same about you, haha.

Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you

fourth wiseman: