Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
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Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Anyone want a chair?
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.