Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
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[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Snapes on a plane.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.