Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
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No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Covid like
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
They’re on their honeymoon
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
New menu item
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
