Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
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Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
“Sheer Arrogance”
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.