Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

Hey, we never talked in high school!

Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time

WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety

shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

philosophical skeletons be like

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.

now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks

Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?

Just a paranormal pants.

Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty

THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions