Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
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Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.