[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
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Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Dear America: it’s called English for a reason. They invented it. It’s not “English” spelling. It’s correct spelling… This is a subtweet.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
You can tell a lot about a person by what they’re willing to do during conjugal visits.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
For my 19000 tweet? A joke…
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?