@eleniZarro

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

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@mrtiredeyes

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

@jdstalnaked

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

@novocapulum

Dear America: it’s called English for a reason. They invented it. It’s not “English” spelling. It’s correct spelling… This is a subtweet.

@ArfMeasures

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*

@justmiche74

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

@Crunk_Jews

You can tell a lot about a person by what they’re willing to do during conjugal visits.

@eggnook

Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.

@GrowlyGrego

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?