Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
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Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”