Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
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My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Pikachu found the lost joint
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.