Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
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It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn