Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
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When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”