Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:

When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”

I think about this a lot.

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.

I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers

If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.

Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.

Love is always patient and kind.

I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework

The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

COME TO ME JOURNALBOT

*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”

[very sad robot noises]

People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

Clients after you give them your rates

My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.

If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?