Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
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me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
fair
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.