Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
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As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE