Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
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Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.