Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
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Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”