Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc

Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.

I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2

20’s: what even is a hangover?

40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge

GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?

[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]

ME: car his keys.

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:

Commit Fraud

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.

Day. Made.

The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.

I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.