Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.

They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that

That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.

[Nightcap]

Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.

Her: It’s….a….nice.

Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.

X-tra spooky blend

My boss called in sick of me

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.

Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.

Her: So, what is your major?

Him: I study forensics.

Her: Dude, that’s just 10!

Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

My soul is possessed by fried chicken.

why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism

WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.

Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)