Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower

Homeschooling day 3

Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

X-tra spooky blend

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.

me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith

Hamburger Hinderer.

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead