Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do

*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once

That’s Saturday nights plans ruined

I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.

[1st date]

HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?

ME: OMG SAME

HER: What part’s ur fave?

ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo

Me: I missed you

Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet

Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)

When you “pspspsp” too hard

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”