Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”

Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through

Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

every raccoon you see is currently on parole

Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me

Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me

Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.

1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*

Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist

Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days