shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
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I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?