Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

Son: What’s dehydrated milk?

Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.

Me: Moocaine

Wife: Why are you like this?

Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help

Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs

“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”

Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.

Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.