shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
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Women are like buses, if you missed the last one, another will be along shortly to run you over.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
You know…for fall…
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.