shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
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My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Good Morning.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”