Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
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I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Hitlers gonna hitl
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.