Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days

“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

and this one

“See you later alligator”

“In a whilst crocodile”

-why we fought the British for independence

Here to help

I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.

This is me

what do you want to eat?

what are you in the mood for?

Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living