Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
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[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Don’t snitch tag.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?