Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
You Might Also Like
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.