@exclaimeditor

Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.

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@MiahSaint

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

@sixfootcandy

*putting a top hat on my dog*

Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.

@ThugRaccoons

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

@Robinbuble

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

@KyleMcDowell86

[Bowling Alley]

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”

*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*

@leakypod

[first day as a paramedic]

me: omg sir were u stabbed

bullfighter: no i was fighting a bull

me: [gasps] who gave the bull a knife

@man_spach

Just saved a bunch of money on my Glenn from The Walking Dead Halloween costume by not showering for a month.

@Sassafrantz

[Ghost Hunters]
This ghost is a male, probably in his 40’s
-how’d u figure that out?
He went bat shit crazy when we turned the thermostat up