Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
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Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
cat faces on other animals, a thread
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.