Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
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Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”
anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
I bet
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell