I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
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I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
The thing that impedes you from traveling from the place you didn’t want to be to the place you don’t want to go.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u