Marriage: When dating goes too far.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
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[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Friend: since you’re a teacher you must have a really great homeschooling routine going
Me, watching hour six of Netflix with my kids: oh, totally
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I was informed last week that “cheat day” does not mean what I thought it did.
In related news: Baby, sit down. I have to tell you somethin
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.