@peterjames48

SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)

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@PaperWash

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

@chellemybell22

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

@Staggfilms

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

@envydatropic

40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Traffic..

The thing that impedes you from traveling from the place you didn’t want to be to the place you don’t want to go.

@AddledPixie

I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.

@KeetPotato

cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”

@KevinFarzad

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u