SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
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I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Saw your ex at the shops
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Thursday Thought.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners