me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
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My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I know
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.