Shoutout to my Cold War reenactment group! We’re just a bunch of chill white guys, sitting at a table, acting stressed about the USSR.

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her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part


I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.


Making fun of someone you’re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead


Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is


Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.


MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said


We can send a man to the moon but can’t turn a tap on when someone’s in the shower.