@DrBacos

Shoutout to my Cold War reenactment group! We’re just a bunch of chill white guys, sitting at a table, acting stressed about the USSR.

You Might Also Like

@offbeatoliv

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

@shannonrwatts

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:13:”ChiefTwittler”;s:5:”image”;s:78:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2586395865/3cpu7zbdviimc9b8xavl_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”169693914905841664″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”669″;s:5:”tweet”;s:60:”My plan, if I ever go to prison: I’m faking a headache 24/7.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@EndhooS

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

@PleaseBeGneiss

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

@ThaJawn

If the floor was lava the couch would be on fire, idiot

@shkeeber

If dolphins are so smart, how come they’re never on Jeopardy?

@AristotlesNZ

8yo: Ghosts real?
Me: No!
4yo: I heard groaning last night
8yo: & a bed squeaking and moaning
4yo: What was that?
Me: ..
Them: ..
Me: Ghosts

@pakalupapito

i need a reasonably paying job. something like $6,000 an hour, nothing too wild.