[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
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At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Husband of the year 😂
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Woke up with morning Yule Log
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.