Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

God has left this place

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.

Sunday

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”

ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel

I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.

Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.

“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”

Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.

[Being followed on my morning run]

Me: Leave me alone!

Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe

Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?

My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”

Me: “It’s amazing.”

Her: “OK, I’ll join.”

Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.

Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid

We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat