shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
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Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……