Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A drum solo but on your face.

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?

You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?

lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

Me: I’m gonna make you groan!

Her: you mean moan?

Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.