shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
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When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Botany good plants lately?
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*