Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Support your local cemetery
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
This has made my week.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
