Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
