Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury

Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-

Wife: YES!

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking

Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.

Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?

Me: I don’t like your tone

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me

Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine

*raises glass, winks*

10:00pm

*gets a snack*

10:01pm

*turns on tv*

10:02pm

*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*

February

DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean

MY BRAIN: say you like swimming

MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.

feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.

My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!

SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

I started dating a lumberjack.

He’s a handsome feller.

My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”

Pray for me

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.