Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
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Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.