Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
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Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
i want enemies
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.