Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
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Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
reminder
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful